As I sit here in my apartment taking in the sunshine and a break from school work, I can’t help but wonder a little bit about how I got to this place. I was talking to a friend over Skype that I haven’t talked to in months, and she told me that I seemed different, happier than she’d seen me in a long time. I think that’s true. It’s nice to look in the mirror and see a handsome man rather than just dream about him.
The testosterone has changed more than just my appearance though. It’s given me a sense of true confidence. It has taken me a while to grow into me, and I’m certainly not done yet. It can be hard at times to separate the hyper-masculine man that the world wants me to be and the masculine man that I am… and sometimes the not-so-masculine man that I can be. It’s changed the way I look at the world in some respects, but at the end of the day I think it’s just allowed me to really be me.
On the other hand, I can’t seem to quiet that little voice in the back of my mind. It’s the self-sabotaging, doom and gloom voice that I’ve had since forever. I find a weird sense of comfort in darkness. At least the monsters come out and play in the dark. The light just makes them hide in the shadows. Then again maybe it’s all in my head. As one white-haired law professor would say, “Argue against yourself, Mr. Mason.”
On a different note, I hope y’all will send me good wishes on Friday. I have two formal and one informal job interview. I’ve got to stop with the Sunny D and Cosmic brownies because I’ve got to fit into my dress shirt. Maybe one of those monsters in the dark is shrinking my dress shirts…
Oh, and in true poetic fashion, I just filled out my selective service form on top of my Young Harris College Bible with a UGA Law pen and stuck a Harvey Milk stamp on the envelope. I wonder if it will get accepted.
All the best,